Harper's "Bazaar" Attempt to Make Me Spend Money

It's hard for a hardened fashionite to admit love to a single publication, being that there are sooo many options, and no mere mortal has the time, or the bank account, to purchase and privy all the amazing editorials produced each month in lesser known titles like Acne Paper or Purple Mag, which is why it's refreshing for me to be able to admit that Harper's is my hands down, favorite big box, kind of the equivalent of Walmart to Dazed & Confused's mom & pop, fashion glossy.

First off, I die for the '24 hours in the life of series,' as I really get a glimpse into the hours of the most important individuals in our industry. Next, Derek Blasberg's best dressed lists are always accurate and painfully very well written, he's a man I look up to, and I admire his hard work,  success, and expert totem pole climbing skills. He literally went from the backwoods of Missouri to backstage at Missoni in record time. Stay classy.

Most importantly, every issue makes me want to spend money on almost everything that is featured, including most items that I can't seem to find for purchase, including the Balenciaga by Nicolas Ghesquiere rings (kind of weird that we need to specify through the Wang transplant) featured on page 64 (same page as the editor's letter) which I spent the past hour attempting to find online, with no avail. Same page, the Spring Marc Jacobs shoes I'm currently fawning over, another major must.

I flip a page, now on 67, and fall in love with the S/S Dior pump, perfectly black with a sleek heel that is bent just a touch, along with a pair of Balenciaga by Ghesquiere shoes, perfectly on trend with a leather ruffle. Seriously, love Alexander, but where will I find Nicolas's pieces now. With a closet dangerously on edge of being over taken by Gilt and Balenciaga Outlet buys (no judgements, but it's hard out here for a pimp, when retail price equals a month of my rent), I'm becoming a bit desperate to know where my man Ghesquiere ends up. I just learned how to pronounce his last name, I'd hate for that skill to go to waste.

The ads are beginning to bore me, all except the new Saint Laurent Paris ads, which are the perfect love letter to my Hedi Slimane Diary stalking days, but it's the product features which really draw me in, making me want all the must haves that Glenda Bailey has endorsed. On page 82, I'm loving the $3,450 Gucci statement necklace, the $1,725 Chanel floral sneakers, the $325 Noor Fares wing earrings (currently available at the addictive shopping destination, shopBAZAAR.com), and the $895 Celine sandals with fur inside, which I'm currently planning on DIYing for a Fashion Week. Page 91 finds me wanting a pair of $1,295 Fendi open-toed booties, totally street style perfect, and the next page makes me dreaming of a not available at Target, $1,895 Prabal Gurung color blocked dress and with one page flip, the $3,860 Altuzarra printed pants catch my eye. Uh, I need a raise!!!

'The Style' section, starting at page 103, makes me jealous of all the bitches who wear the latest designer clothing straight of the runway and get photographed for doing so, including Mira Duma and Anna dello Russo, and to the whore on wheels (photo above), page 104, that makes a leisurely outfit of colored pants with a bright jacket and black sneaks look worthy of The Sartorialist, you can kiss my ass, you're too cute, I hate you, but secretly want to be you, but not that secret, cause I kind of told everyone here, but you know what I'm talking about. Basically, biker bitch, we're enemies right now.

'The Extras' section, starting on page 113, are all items I need, like not want but actually need. Really need! Like on life support, need oxygen, need.

'Runway Report' on 121, tells us black and white color blocking is so on trend for the season, as seen on Louis Vuitton and Marc Jacobs runway, coincidence or did he just phone in one of those, and according to page 123, I definitely need to get me some ruffles in my closet.

'The News' section, page 130, sheds light on new collabos to pay attention to, including Mary Katrantzou for Current Elliott denim, super coolio, and the triumphant return of the Bulgari Serpenti watch which is making a comeback after a few decades out of stock.

'Fabulous at Every Age', starting on page 147, which makes me want items not only in my category of 20s, but also 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, and 70s, basically every age bracket. What does that say about me I wonder? I'm an old soul or an old lady, you be the judge. 'Beauty Bazaar' tells me that I need a fuschia and orange lip color, but I already own nearly every Tom Ford  lipstick. I'll leave it to that man to tell me what colors I need.
This month's editorials were kind of blah, black and white trend against white and grey backdrops, snore, girl in white walking through a desert, yawn. In all honesty, just wanted to get to J.Lo's feature by Laura Brown. Takeaways? To get her body she claims she doesn't eat salt or sugar, which makes me think, hey I can do that, I can live a completely bland life if it means I get Selena's body, but then I remember what she's not saying. That her job is basically a full time exercise, dancing and fucking about with her boy toy, also, she doesn't mention the personal chef that makes every meal, or the personal trainer, or the cellulite busting daily massages, or that Guatemalan tape worm she houses for 3 weeks of every month. Celebrities, their just like us, only a shit ton richer, and totally not like us. I was really hoping she would talk about how weird it is that both her and her former husband's, Marc Antony, fashion lines live at Kohl's. It's really hard walking into that store these days, there are giant billboards of both of them when you first walk in. Totally feels like you're visiting a friend who recently broke up with her boyfriend but is forced to still live in his apartment cause rent in NYC is too fucking expensive. Awkward.

Moral of the story, my new shopping list is too long and it's all Harper's fault!


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